ten things i hate about tinder

we are the nation of phone screen swipers

swiping left and right like windscreen wipers

we let our index fingers decide our fate

on who we’d quite like to shag

sorry? I mean date

by all means create a bio

nobody reads the damn things anyway

i mean what am i supposed to say?

writing about oneself can be quite hard

'my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard?’

'i'm not sure how i feel about men in leotards'

it doesn’t matter what i say

nobody reads the damn things anyway

100 mutual friends? 

well that’s not going to work

i’ve dated two of them

that’s why i'm here

and your mate dave’s a jerk

besides - i wish not to be reminded 

of that party we all went to

where i got drunk and attempted to twerk

the ice breakers

the one liners

they’re just getting worse & worse

some chap even asked me once 

if i’d meet up with him dressed as a nurse

i responded to his request 'how dare you?

stop being so perverse!'

do you not wish to get to know me

at least a little bit first?

and look who we have here -

my ex

i can’t believe we’re both using an app

described as the mcdonalds for sex

i also can’t believe he is using the picture

i took of him on holiday

to lull in the girls and tell them stories

of how he never really liked me anyway

i did get chatting once 

to an interesting fellow

he began the conversation 

with a simple ‘hello!’

i responded to his message 

with a ‘how do you do?’

and he didn’t reply

BUT I COULD SEE HE’D SEEN IT

here i go acting the 'crazy' girlfriend

before I’ve even been it

oh woe is me

a 90's born cinderella,

i’m having a tough bloody time 

trying to find a nice fella

therefore resorting to tinder

tinderella?

on a quest for someone 

to stand under her umbrella-ella-ella

eh eh? eh?

what am I doing!? - 

no body reads the damn bios

alas! a date triggered by the tinder finger

he was tall and talented

told me he was a singer

he asked me back to his place

i can only presume

to do more than just swipe right with his finger

so i gave him the finger

said i bet he wasn’t even a singer

he looked at me with such disgust and said

‘well what are you doing on tinder?’

the thing i hate most though?

about this phone app tinder

swipe left for mr right

and left to stop the linger

swipe left if he’s alright

and right for out of site

but it should be right for alright? 

right?

well that’s what i thought 

when i signed up to this shite

i liked the look of one chaps face

but swiped him right back into tinder space

never to be seen again….

he could have been the one

and what a name they chose for tinder

what does it mean?

are they insinuating we're just really small dry insignificant things that burn out easily?

probably.